


Things he's done

by bbyagain



Series: Levi Ackerman Works with (y/n) [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Jean is in this for like 3 seconds. If you blink you miss it, it is angst ok...pure angst.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29908221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbyagain/pseuds/bbyagain
Summary: Stay forever. You know me more than anyone.In which Levi has been pushing away from y/n.(I'm keeping this vague pls)
Relationships: Levi Ackerman & Reader, Levi Ackerman/Reader, levi ackerman | reader, levi x reader
Series: Levi Ackerman Works with (y/n) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199195
Kudos: 23





	Things he's done

Uneasiness had settled in her stomach. With it, exhaustion came, as if a housewarming gift from a guest she’d never asked for. Her brows were knit close together, fingers laced loosely atop the table while Hange filled the silence of the room by rattling on about something her attention had long withdrawn from. Still, she would give them the occasional nod when they looked for confirmation. It was better to have the silence filled with something she didn’t care about than to be lost completely in her own thoughts.

Hange was a backing track to the confused thoughts.

Their words were interrupted for a moment. Both (y/n) and Hange looked towards the door, but only one returned to what they’d been doing. Levi’s gaze barely met with (y/n)’s before it was drifting away and he was disappearing behind another door.

She wanted to get up to follow him, and ask him why he hadn’t rescued her like he usually did. Why he hadn’t stopped and told Hange that he needed to see (y/n), only to let her wander away on their own after a quickly stolen kiss. They’d been doing so well together: Slipping into each other’s lives as if the other had always been there.

When he started to pull away, it was like he’d suddenly revealed that the entire time she’d been without him, there had been a gaping hole that she’d just never noticed until it was filled.

_________

The horse was snorting quietly as their mane was being brushed. Although the knots had long come out, Levi was doing it more to keep his hands busy along. The sun was barely peeking out from behind the trees, but if the clouds were anything to go by, the day wouldn’t be any warmer than it was at the moment. The knuckles of his fingers were burning red, while the rest of his hands were a light pink.

He grimaced, readjusting the brush in his hand before his arm reached back up to continue with another stroke.

When the weather had first started changing, (y/n) had come to the stables with him. Only a few feet from where he stood now, she’d been standing with her face pressed softly against the horses as she muttered something about the horse being good. Levi had snorted and told her that she was going to have horse spit all over her if she didn’t stop.

He shook his head, glancing towards the empty spot.

But he remembered.

**_Two Weeks Before_ **

“Are you jealous of your horse?” She accused as she scratched idly up the horses face, careful now that she’d left her watch on the horse. Alida had tried to eat her hair more than once before, and the three times it had happened, Levi hadn’t warned her–just laughed as he watched (y/n) struggle as she tried to take Alida’s sudden snack away from her.

“Yeah, you’re getting wet because of a horse.”

“ _Hey_ –”

Her tone might’ve been sharp, but laughter still spilled out of her. Levi smiled, watching her with a softened gaze before he was returning to brushing out Alida’s mane. They’d been on a mission the day before and most of their horses had returned with knotted hair. While he’d been tired the night before, he wasn’t cruel enough to leave them all with knots for days on end. He also wasn’t cruel enough to wake up his tired cadets and make them brush them out. (Y/n) had been the only other person awake, and she’d come willingly.

He settled back on his task. From the corner of his eye, he could see (y/n) brushing her fingers up the middle of the horse’s face again, willing it to calm down when he worked through a particularly big knot. Levi had been concentrating on it so much, that when delicate fingers had suddenly wrapped around his wrist and tugged his hand down, he jumped a little.

(Y/N) smiled sheepishly, muttering _sorry,_ before she was taking the brush from his hand and shoving it under her arm. Her hands wrapped around his, “your hand just look cold.”

They did. They were all red knuckles and pink skin and just as he was looking down, her hands were covering over his. He huffed, feigning irritation at the interruption, but he didn’t pull away. Instead, he watched as (y/n) brought his hand up to her mouth and blew hot air over it, spreading the warmth so far up his arm that his hand was burning with tingles. After a few deep breaths through her nose and exhales with intent of warming him up the best she could, she held his hand between hers tightly and brought it close to her chest.

“How’s the other one?”

She reached out expectantly, and it was only then that Levi realized she’d partially laced the fingers of her left hand with his right one. He lifted his left hand to hers, palm faced down to show her that his left hand was significantly warmer than his exposed one, but the lack of warmth was making it shake. She grabbed it too and brought it up with his other hand, pressing both to her chest.

“I’m trying to finish this before the brats get up,” he protested half-heartedly. The warmth had spread across his chest like a soft explosion–crawling up further when she stepped closer to him. They’d been together for five months, but every time she’d got close to him it was a sudden reminder that she’d chosen _him_ of all people. But hadn’t he also chosen her? Maybe not consciously; one day he’d woken up, and found himself seeking safety within her.

Levi’s heart was beating hard in his chest but it didn’t show on the surface. His eyes were fallen on her hands, covering his as they laid against her chest in a clumsy pile. “Cmon.” The way her own hands were shaking against his was enough to show that hers were going cold.

He tugged his hand, barely slipping it away before her grip was tightening and she’d taken a final step to close space between them. This time, the knuckles of her fingers were against him, albeit his hands were still trapped. When he looked up to her, her smile was bright and past her smile she was muttering, “so what’s your game?”

“What?” He scoffed, relaxing his hands where they laid trapped.

“You got jealous, now you’re gonna reject me?”

Then he snorted, opening his mouth to answer but her lips had already found his. Before he could melt into it, she was yelping and pulling away. “Your nose is so fucking cold, Levi!”

His laughter echoed off the wooden walls, filling her heart with warmth, even when he tore his hands from the warm cocoon she’d built for them. Arms wrapped around her waist, trapping her against him.

“Levi, no!”

“Levi, yes,” he answered, still grinning as he leaned forward to nuzzle his nose against the warmth of her neck. Although she squealed, she also wasn’t pushing him away with as much force as she could’ve. Instead, she was erupting into soft laughter and squirming, trying to drop to her knees to escape from his sudden attack. Through his own laughter, he managed, “I thought you wanted to warm me up!”

____

He sighed and dropped the brush to the hay covered ground to press his hands against his own chest. When he blinked slowly, it was to flashes of memory across the back of his lids. He imagined her hands pressed over his, keeping them warm despite the fact they were quickly growing cold themselves. It was a nice few seconds, but Levi’s eyes shot open when he felt Alida brush her muzzle against his head in warning. She would chomp in a few seconds, but his hand came up to the side of her face.

“You just ate,” he reprimanded, chuckling softly as he pushed her head away from his gently. When he scooped back down to grab the brush from the ground, he remembered that (y/n) had thrown the brush at him when he wouldn’t stop pressing cold body parts to hers. His smile faltered with the soft wish that she was there with him. He wouldn’t press his cold hands under her shirt like he had that day, but maybe she’d keep him warm in the ways she had so many other times.

_How selfish_ , he thought because in truth, he was avoiding her. He knew it was wrong to be, but the call of a reality he hadn’t wanted to face was starting to rear its ugly head, and Levi didn’t know how to do anything but fall into command.

The exact moment he started pulling away wasn’t something he could pinpoint, but he knew why he had to. At the end of every meeting, every expedition…every battle, Levi was able to come back to (y/n). He was able to return from the trenches that he’d left so many of his comrades within, and find happiness in the little world he had built with (y/n) away from the war. The very fact that he was happy was eating him alive and threatening to swallow him whole. _It’s not fair_ , he swore.

There were countless soldiers who had died for freedom, but he wasn’t among them. He had gone, then come back so many times that he felt that surviving should be enough. That he didn’t deserve the happiness that had suddenly fallen into his life, because why should _he_ get to survive then fall in love? Why wouldn’t Farlan? Why not Isabel? Eld, Petra? Oluo, or Gunther? What about him made _him_ different.

They’d all died in the battlefield and he’d gone home. Surviving, he felt, should be his only solace. And love filled him with guilt.

_____

Underneath her arm, (y/n) was clutching a book. Each night, she’d been going to Levi’s bedroom and reading it out loud, but lately each time she’d gone to do so, his lights were already out and he was already asleep.

She couldn’t figure out why he was avoiding her, but she was hesitant to approach and ask why. Once she’d been told not to let anybody treat her poorly and with the promise, she swore up and down she would never let anybody make her feel like less, but actually in the situation she felt sick at the ideas her mind provided her with. Words reverberated in her mind–things he’d never spoken to her, and filled up space when she was in silence too long: _I don’t love you anymore._

(Y/N) pushed the front door open and stepped onto the familiar porch. She hadn’t grabbed her coat and wasn’t dressed to be outside when the original plan had been being in Levi’s room, curled underneath his blanket and stealing his warmth. Bare footed, (y/n) rested her arms against the wooden railing and looked up at the clouds. The stars were barely shining through them, and for half a second she debated going back inside before she found one peaking through.

“I bet that’s Rue,” she whispered, resting her palm against her face as she leaned on her elbow. The silence was drawn out for a long moment _(I don’t–)._ “I’m sorry I haven’t been talking to you guys much lately. It’s been fucking freezing. You wouldn’t come out here either if you were me.”

_I don’t love –_

“Holy shit, you should’ve seen the amount of snow we got the other day. It all melted fast though, but the horses were having a lot of fun. We could’ve built a snowman, I think. I tried to get Jean and Connie to build one, but Connie kept eating the balls before they could even get them going. I’m surprised Sasha wasn’t–”

“Wasn’t what?”

(Y/N) jumped, turning around suddenly with a straight back to face the direction the voice had come from. Barely illuminated, Jean stood with a candle lifted carefully in front of him. He’d seen her from inside, but couldn’t figure out exactly _who_ had gone into the dark. “Sasha wasn’t what?”

“Wasn’t –– are you trying to fucking kill me,” She wheezed, hand placed over her wildly beating heart. Her body was finally crumpling in on itself, and her back curled slightly. “Fuck, you scared the shit out of me.”

Jean grinned and rubbed the back of his neck. He had a nervous habit of letting out soft laughter when he couldn’t find something to say. “Sorry. I heard somebody talking, and saw you through the window. I thought somebody from a village was looking around.”

“I’m sure you would’ve killed them sneaking up on them like that.”

He nodded, stepping further outside to balance the candle holder on the railing that (y/n) had been leaning against before he’d scared her.

“What’re you doing out here? I mean, I didn’t think you cracked, but if you’re talking to yourself…”(Y/N) shoved his shoulder a little, albeit she was smiling at his tease.

“I’m just talking things out.”

“With who?”

She’d never actually had to explain to somebody what she spent her nights doing. The only person that had known was Levi, but because he’d walked in on her too, and followed her outside so many nights that she thought maybe he’d taken up her habit too: That he was talking up to the friends that he’d lost.

“I talk to my friends.”

“Your…friends?”

“Don’t look at me like I’m crazy. I know they’re not actually here. I just talk at the stars, and hope that they’re out there somewhere listening to me.” (Y/N)’s shoulders rose in a little shrug while her gaze slowly drifted back towards the sky. Her heart was beginning to settle away from the way it had been wildly beating. Out of the corner of her eye, she was watching as Jean placed a hand against the railing and looked towards the misty sky as well.

After a long moment, she dropped her hands away and started to step back towards the door to find warmth back inside of the building, but stopped dead in her tracks when Jean spoke up: “I do that too.”

She turned on the heel of her foot to look at him.

“Talk to my friends.”

“What’re their names?”

Jean’s expression changed, his hand returning up to the back of his neck as he rubbed it. He smiled a little uncomfortably, “I mostly just talk to one–”

“What’s their name, then?”

(Y/N)’s hand was on the doorknob, but she waited patiently despite the way her entire body shook with each passing breeze.

“Marco.”

“Marco?” She confirmed before she was skipping back forward and leaning over the railing and squinting up at the sky. It took a moment before she was pointing up, “that’s Marco, then. That star.”

Jean followed her gaze and nodded.

“What’re your friends names?”

“Rue just disappeared behind that fog,” she muttered, pointing vaguely to where she’d been talking towards. “Felix is hidden somewhere. But I’m too cold to wait around all night for them to show up.”

Jean kept looking up as though he understood exactly where her friends were hidden. But not a moment later, she was leaving the railing and retreating back to the house with him following quickly behind her. The candle barely illuminated the front hall. He felt a bit like a creep when he followed her towards the kitchen, but swore that he had been going there originally.

“What were you talking to them about when I uh, scared you?”

“That you didn’t build a snowman,” she stated, pouring water into a cup before she pushed it in front of Jean, then pouring another for herself.

“Really?”

“I talk about you guys all the time to them. What else would I have been talking about?”

“I dunno,” he took a sip of water. He hadn’t planned on staying downstairs to drink it, so he was still standing. Now that his body wasn’t frozen, he felt closer to drowsing off again. “Captain Levi? You’re close.”

(Y/N)’s jaw tightened a bit and didn’t loosen until she was downing water so she didn’t have to speak again. Even when the glass was placed down, nothing was said.

He got the hint. He motioned slightly to the door before he was following through with his actions.

“Goodnight Jean.”

“Goodnight, (y/n).”

_______

The trouble spread through the squad like wildfire, but neither of them could blame Jean for wanting to share the odd encounter with the older squad member. Truthfully, it would’ve stayed between himself and whoever he told if he _hadn’t_ picked Connie to be the one he confided in, who had a knack for not knowing when things should remain private.

It had been in the middle of his version of the story to Armin that Levi had overheard him. He’d opened the door so fast that it startled both of the boys and sent them scrambling to get their respective cleaning supplies back into their hands with half-assed salutes his way and embarrassed mutters of _captain_ as they left the room.

Levi sighed.

He barely grazed his fingertips underneath the table when he heard the door opening again. He glanced over his shoulder, half expecting to see Eren dragging his feet around, only to stop dead to watch (y/n) walk past without looking towards him.

The metal of the bucket she was carrying was digging slightly into her hands. When she’d asked Reiner to fill it for her earlier, he’d done it way too much without anticipating how little muscle she had in comparison to him. So while he’d gotten it to her easily, she was struggling trying to get it back to the nearest drain. She dropped it with a _thump_ then stood up straight and looked towards the door. Only a few more feet. She could make that _and_ not look at Levi.

Levi stepped forward a bit. He debated going back out the door she’d just come from, but watching her rest in between struggling had him moving towards her before he could process the fact he was lifting up the bucket for her.

“Dumping it?”

“Yeah.”

“How’d you get this up the stairs?” He stepped towards the door, waiting until she fully opened it before stepping outside and dumping it over the railing. With her standing at the frame when he turned around, he paused.

“Reiner.” She shrugged a little. “But I’m a big girl. I got it down the stairs without spilling most of it.”

“Most of it?” He glanced to where there was water sinking back into the Earth, leaving a huge patch of wet soil. That was a lot of water for some of it to have been spilled out. “You spilled dirty water somewhere?”

“Absolutely.”

She smiled and for half a second Levi forgot himself.

It was a rarity that people saw him without the furrow of his brows. A completely lax expression as he took in the world as it was around him, but she’d grown used to seeing him that way. For a fleeting moment, it felt like things had fallen back into place. Even in the silence, she didn’t think he’d fallen out of love––instead, she stared back at a man who was so obviously in love with her that she felt stupid for believing he didn’t.

But then it was gone.

He was looking at the wooden planks beneath his feet as he took steps forward and handed her the bucket back. Then without saying anything, he moved past her and back inside. It felt like somebody had suddenly twisted a knife inside of her body, stealing all the air that she’d been holding when he had looked at her. With the bucket in her hands, she went back inside.

________

They went on for another week like that.

By the third day, she’d taken to spending her time inside of the room she’d been given, grateful for the status as veteran and the privilege of one. There were mp’s and garrison members her age that could only _dream_ about having their own private rooms, but for the idea of freedom, most scouts gave up their lives early. She almost did too.

Inside of the room there wasn’t much to do than read, but she managed to occupy her time.

Levi occupied his time as well, although it was much easier to do. There were enough younger members of his squad that he was able to send them through different trainings with the excuse that (y/n) was a veteran and didn’t need the same practice they did. When he didn’t have training to throw at his members, he was occupying himself with paperwork he fell behind on.

There was more paperwork than he was used to doing on his own now, but he couldn’t ask for help, even from one of his squad members. For once, his pride made him angry.

________

Another three days passed.

The days had gotten even colder, so (y/n) wasn’t entertaining the idea of going outside even with a proper jacket. Instead, she sat at her desk with her legs pulled up as she scanned the pages of a book she was half-reading. All she was really doing was taking in a few words, then turning the page. When she was finished, she wouldn’t know what it was about and would be able to read it over again a few times. Maybe after a few reads, she’ll finally be able to piece it all together.

Out of habit she was tapping her fingers softly against the wood of the desk to do something to occupy her hands, only to pause when she heard a knock on her door.

“Yeah?”

Reluctantly, she was going to stand up. The floor was freezing, but only a few nights before, Bertholdt had sheepishly stood on the other side waiting for her to open it to give back a sock he’d accidentally stolen in the wash. Before she unfolded her body, the door had opened and her heart felt like it jumped into her throat.

Levi slipped inside of the room, clicking the door shut behind him.

They stared at each other for a long moment, taking in the other as if the sudden appearance was that of a stranger. Across his cheeks there was a flush of pink, climbing up his cheekbones and fading out at his temples. It drew her gaze to his slightly puffy eyes that fell away from hers. He stood there in silence, unmoving aside from the slight shake his body betrayed him with. He remained still, even when she got up from the chair with a slight hiss from the cold ground.

One of her arms slipped underneath his left arm, while the other fell over his shoulder, pulling him into the hug with a hand pressed softly to the back of his head to will him forward. She knew that he wouldn’t initiate the softness himself, but wouldn’t resist it either. Levi’s arms didn’t rise but he followed where she guided his face to press softly into the crook of her neck, hiding him away from the rest of the world around him. Against his own, he could feel her press a soft kiss, but she didn’t ghost any words against it. It made his heart ache, but he _knew_ she wouldn’t speak like she usually did.

She wouldn’t tell him she loved him like she usually did. Instead, she settled into holding his body, wrecked from the way he’d been trying to stitch himself back together instead of fully crying. In passing, he wondered what others would’ve thought of him if they could see him.

There were a lot of people that believed Levi didn’t cry–that he didn’t show any emotion, or have any. But more often than not, his body ached, as though he was meant to be decomposing in the ground so long ago that it didn’t know how to still function properly. Before he’d met (y/n), the person he had sought out for comfort had been Erwin, but it had been months since he sought out the blond and although they never acknowledged the nights Levi sat with him crying, it filled his chest with guilt to think about going back to him when he’d finally relieved him of unwanted responsibility.

Suddenly her hand fell away from the back of his head and Levi started to panic. His heart jumped in his chest, and with it came the sudden well of tears that he tried to will away when she pulled her face away from his throat. In that moment he was forced to search her face, only to find that her expression was soft and she wasn’t leading him back out the door with exclamation to _go screw yourself_ , but instead was tugging him towards her bed.

In the next second he was sitting on the edge of it, watching as she climbed up to rest her back against the wall where her pillow had once been but was now discarded on the floor. She patted her lap for him and he _knew_. Following the motions, Levi kicked his boots off and slid further on the bed, carefully dropping to his back with his head rested on her thighs. Instead of looking up, he closed his eyes only to whimper when he felt her fingers start running through his hair.

“Breathe,” she coaxed, but he wondered how he was supposed to when her open hand was on his chest, drawing circles in attempt to guide him. Levi opened his mouth and took a shaky breath in, only to clamp his hand over his mouth to muffle an escaped sob.

His eyes shut tighter then. Wrinkles forming around the corners of his eyes as he inhaled harshly against his hand.

He shouldn’t have happiness when so many died. Surviving should have been enough, _yet_ ––he felt her fingers run through his hair again. They moved through again and again, never saying anything about the way tears were leaking onto her pyjama bottoms, or how hurt she had been because of him. Instead, she held him like she had so many other nights, and coaxed him into breathing along with her slow moving palm.

Levi’s hand was rested against his eyes, his arm barely lifted from the bed as he cried. The sobs were deep, wreaking havoc in his chest and burning his throat. With each exhale he felt like he couldn’t catch his breath before it was being ripped away from his body again. (Y/N) kept running her fingers through his hair, more comforting than anything he’d had in his entire life.

_I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry._ Through broken sobs, he apologized like it was a prayer to deity. Her fingers didn’t stop moving through his hair, but her hand left his chest. He felt her hand against his cheek. Without thought, he moved his face closer to the touch, devouring the comfort he hadn’t had in weeks.

“It’s okay,” she whispered, thumb running back and forth against his cheek. “Just let it out.”

The sound that came out of him was pitiful. He wasn’t apologizing for crying, but the amount of pain he’d brought her. But he couldn’t bring himself to elaborate when his body was wrecked with sobs he worked to muffle suddenly back into his hand–partially hitting her touch away from his face again. His eyes opened, only to watch her through blurry vision as she reached for his wrist. He felt her pull his hand away, only for her fingers to loosely lace with his.

________

(Y/N) kept her soothing movements, even long after Levi had stopped sobbing and had settled with his eyes shut. His cheeks were still burning red, and his eyes were undoubtedly even puffier than they had been when he first came to her bedroom. She looked over him, wondering where they’d taken the wrong turn, and how many nights he’d spent on his own trying to ease himself back to comfort.

His chest was rising and falling evenly, and his breathing was soft. She’d watched him sleep a hundred times now, and she was sure that he was asleep now.

In the quiet of the night, she whispered softly, “I love you.”

________

The morning sun was filtering through the window in soft dances across the floor. On the bed, (y/n) was still laying, slowly coming back into the world. She took a deep breath, trying to wake herself up more, only to let a soft groan escape when she heard movement in her bedroom.

(E/c) eyes fluttered open, barely focused on anything before she landed on the man leaning over, fixing his boots up his calfs. his shirt was still untucked, and his hair was messy from the way she’d been running fingers through it.

“Are you leaving?”

Levi’s gaze shot up, meeting hers with slight surprise. He wondered if he could manage to escape without saying anything, but when her gaze followed him he knew she was awake enough to remember if he just walked out.

“Everybody’s getting up,” he answered. It wasn’t a lie. He’d heard a few of the teenagers shout somewhere in the building, though he hadn’t been able to decipher what they’d been yelling about, nor did he care to go find out. Her body collapsed back into the bed from the slight perch she’d made on her elbow. (Y/N)’s hands came up to her eyes, pushing palms into the sockets for a second before she was forcing herself out of the bed.

Maybe in those few seconds of being awake she’d forgotten, but everything came crashing back when she was standing up and watching Levi leave with his shirt still untucked and his hair disheveled.

________

She wasn’t as considerate when she went to his room that night. (Y/N) didn’t knock, only let herself inside of the dark room. The nights she had knocked, there hadn’t been light leaking underneath the door, and now she knew why. There were a few books blocking the candle light, keeping it illuminated against the back wall and his desk. Levi looked up from the book he’d been looking over. His eyes were widened, as if he was shocked after all this time he’d been caught.

“Can I talk to you?” She asked, stepping further into the room. Although she’d been in there more times than she’d been in her own, she couldn’t shake the feeling of it being foreign. Levi nodded, but he didn’t speak. Lips were pressed into a straight line as he watched her settle onto his bed and pull her legs up to criss-cross.

Not a second later, she was patting the bed next to herself, and because he could rarely say no to her, he stood and sat next to her.

(Y/N) looked at the ceiling of the room, as though it was going to give her all the answers she’d been looking for, or the questions she needed to ask. Deep inhale, heavy exhale. Deep inhale, she carefully questioned, “why are you doing this?”

_Tch_. Levi looked away from her after the sound escaped him, drawing his gaze so far to the side that he couldn’t see any part of her anymore, but he could still feel the weight of the bed dipping next to him. He paid careful attention to it, but knew that she was staying still and that neither of them were going to disappear no matter how hard he wished for it.

“ _Levi_.”

He hated the way his name sounded like a plea but it didn’t bring his attention towards her. He was determined to strip himself of this privilege. Then he voice filtered through again, “you’re not being fair. Tell me.”

He supposed he really wasn’t being fair. From the side, she was watching as his jaw tightened and relaxed, but she didn’t rush him. She sat with her hands placed in her lap and her shoulders slightly slumped forward. She couldn’t lift her shoulders–it seemed too proud for somebody that felt so low.

“I don’t deserve this.” He tried the words steadily, not knowing the bristles it sent though her. Her frustration had been building in the past few weeks, only to fizzle out when she realized his shoulders were slumped in defeat too.

“What do you mean? What don’t you deserve?”

“You.”

(Y/N) breathed out. Her brows furrowed slightly as she studied him the best she could. He was still looking away from her, but she wasn’t going to force him to do anything.

“Why wouldn’t you?”

A silence passed between them.

“Lots of people don’t survive,” he explained, as though it was the most simple thing in the world. It only has (y/n)’s brows furrowing further, while her lips turned downwards into slight frown. “They don’t get to be happy. So why do I get both? Surviving should be enough.”

“That’s why you don’t deserve me?”

Finally, he turns his head back. Although he’s not looking at her, she can study his profile. His eyes are downcast, devoid of showing more emotion than he wants to. It’s been so long since she’d dealt with this version of him that it almost felt like she was walking through the memory of their earlier relationship. Then, he nods.

“That’s bullshit _._ ”

It was clear he hadn’t expected the words from the way his eyes shot up towards her. He protests slightly, mouth opening before he shakes his head with the soft defiance, “it’s the truth.”

“Then I don’t deserve to be happy, either?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yes you did.”

Levi flinched. His brows were knitting together as he studied her features, listening closely after her words had come so quickly to fight against his. He hadn’t expected her to challenge him this much, but God if he didn’t love her for resisting his certainty.

“You said you don’t deserve to be happy because you’ve survived when others haven’t. That is what you’re saying, right?” She barely waited for him to nod before she continued on. “Then what does that say for me? I didn’t save a single person in my last squad. I wanted to die with them, but you didn’t let me. Now you’re telling me that because I didn’t die…because I survived, I don’t deserve happiness?”

She knew she sounded annoying, but she wanted to get her point across.

“You do.”

“Then why don’t _you_?”

The silence hung in between them. Levi’s eyes had lifted to meet hers, and they stared at each other, not knowing what else could be said without setting off explosions. His jaw tightened, only to loosen when (y/n)’s fingers rose to brush across it. His eyes fell, looking at her other hand resting in her lap. He thought about when she had hugged his close to her chest, trying to warm him up, and yearned for how they had been.

“I don’t know,” he finally answered.

There was nothing beautiful to be said about the way that he felt. His heart felt like it was going to break out of his chest. Despite trying to push it down and keep a straight face, he crumbled, only for (y/n) to pull him into a hug.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. The memories of the previous night at the forefront of his thoughts. He wasn’t sure if she’d whispered again that it was okay, but before he could ask her what she’d said, he found himself babbling words that he couldn’t even put sense to. If the way she pressed her lips against his cheek was any indication, it seemed like she could.

Then, he turned his head, slotting his lips against hers. Their noses bumped together clumsily for a second before they fell back into the soft comfort.

He didn’t think he deserved to be happy, but it wouldn’t be the first time time he acted selfishly.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this, don't forget to check out my tumblr. That's where my works usually get posted first, or you can keep up with my stuff! It's @1252291


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